Dear Liberal Friends,

You are the best, kindest people in the world. I share your politics and welcome your kind and gentle presence in my life. I too want to put an end to global warming, see George W. Bush exiled to Iraq where he can enjoy the fruits of his own experiments in “democracy,” and make the world a happier, better place for all.

But if I see just one more of you in Birkenstocks and a fanny pack, you’re on the next plane to Baghdad.

Perhaps it’s not fair to single you out. After all, there are those fundamentalist women wearing those dreadful floral prints and sporting 1980s perms topped off with those bangs that can only be described as The Claw. And those teenage boys whose pants have fallen down so low they can barely walk and who haven’t yet realized that style went out sometime in the last century.

You, however, are intelligent people who keep up with the news. You are educated. And I am quite sure that you are well aware that the 1960s ended, oh, about 37 years ago. So please, put away the bahtiks, the tie dyes, the shapeless tops, the shorts at special events, the floor-length floral skirts you bought at an arts festival in 1974, and for the love of God, you balding men, cut those scraggy gray ponytails OFF.

If you don’t, I’m calling What Not to Wear and siccing Stacy and Clinton on the entire city of Chapel Hill.